Monday, October 26, 2009

Mr. Darcy, Vampyre - Amanda Grange

Summary: A married man in possession of a dark fortune must be in want of an eternal wife.

December 1802

My hand is trembling as I write this letter. My nerves are in tatters and I am so altered that I believe you would not recognize me. The past two months have been a nightmarish whirl of strange and disturbing circumstances, and the future…

I am afraid.

If anything happens to me, remember that I love you and that my spirit will always be with you, though we may never see each other again. The world is a cold and frightening place where nothing is as it seems. (Image from - summary from back of book)

My review: What?!?! Don’t look at me that way. I thought it would be fun. After all, who doesn’t want to read a continuation to the lovely Pride and Prejudice? And besides, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies still has a waiting list so I thought I’d go a different route. I am so regretting it.

This book was horrible. Beginning. Middle. End. All beyond bad. Mr. Darcy, Vampyre picks up the morning before the wedding as Elizabeth and Jane contemplate their coming nuptials. This is perhaps the only point in time where Elizabeth actually acts like Elizabeth. For the rest of the book she is a quiet little mouse who just sits back and allows Darcy to cart her all over kingdom come on a wedding tour, wherein he acts completely insane and refrains from consummating their marriage. The REAL Elizabeth would have called him on it in a matter of seconds (okay, maybe days). She would have had something to say about his strange behavior, his absences, and his standoffish friends and would hardly have been all swoony and demure.

The only real connection with the original P&P and this so-called continuation was, obviously, the names of the characters and, irritatingly, their tendency to spout one-liners made famous in the previous novel--verbatim. “You write uncommonly fast!” or “From now on you must be stranger to one of your parents…” It was like the author was trying to remind you “Hey! Look! See! It’s Elizabeth and Darcy! I promise. You can tell because they are referencing the original novel!” Bah. It made me want to break the binding (gasp, I know).

Above all, this book was BORRRING. There is little interaction between Darcy and Elizabeth, in ANY form, and so you are forced to listen to the innermost thoughts of a very watered down Elizabeth. With few exceptions, nothing really happened until the last 70 pages of this 308-page book when Elizabeth finally found out Darcy’s secret. Then everything just went completely haywire to the point of being ridiculous. I eventually just had to skim through the last 20 pages because it was THAT absurd and I just wanted the whole thing to be over.

If you are even considering reading this book, my advice to you would be…Don’t do it. Seriously. I'm fairly certain it sucked out a portion of my soul.

Also, I’m going to take a wild stab and say that it is physically impossible to cross the Alps in one day – whether one is on horseback or not.

My rating: 1 Star.

Sum it up: If our electricity were to go out and we had to start using the wood stove to heat our home, THIS BOOK (if it weren't a library book, thank HEAVENS) would be the first thing offered up as kindling.** I wouldn’t even bat an eyelash.

**If we had no other source of fuel, mind you. I'm not advocating the burning of books, even if they are really awful.


Gerbera Daisy Diaries said...

Have you read any of the Austen-inspired mysteries by Stephanie Barron??? Like, "Jane and the Unpleasantness at Scargrave Manor (Jane Austen Series #1)" Just curious...

Sorry this was dreadful.

Amy said...

funny! It just makes me think, gosh, if this person could get a book published, maybe I should start writing!

the only other p. and p. book "sequel" I ever picked up was so torridly porno that my eyes bugged out of my skull. I took it back to the library asap. I wonder what Jane would have thought of that one!

Amy said...

of course you mentioned that there is a secret revealed at the end of the book concerning what's going on with mr. darcy....but doesn't the title give it away?

Lori Johnston said...

I'm sorry to hear that you didn't like this book.

The Stephanie Barron books are good, as Gerbera Daisy Mom pointed out. Jane Odiwe has 2 fabulous Austen inspired sequels. Carrie Bebris writes incredible Mr. and Mrs. Darcy mysteries.

Amy - - was the book you picked up by Linda Berdoll? If so, I am in agreement with you. I wasn't sure if that book was meant to be serious or seriously campy?

Jenn (Books At Midnight) said...

Lol, nice review! Hm, I didn't enjoy it very much either, but I still thought the writing and setting were interesting, if a LARGE bit too dragged out. In the end, I still liked it for the concept, but it was definitely not a book that I'll be rereading for fun anytime soon.
And I'm now following! I'm looking forward to reading your blog; the background is adorable. :)

MindySue said...

Amy, yes, when I was talking about the secret being revealed it was being revealed to Elizabeth. I kept waiting for her to figure it out, but no...she pretty much had to be confronted with it head on.

Danae said...

Honestly, I think I ought to have read your review before picking this book up this past week. What a waste of time.

MindySue said...

Glad to hear my review was so spot on. Sorry you didn't read it first. One more person to have their soul sucked out, albeit temporarily, by this book...

KT said...

Soooo boring. I have about 80 pages left and I'm glad to hear that's it's going to pick up. I agree, she shouldn't have made the entire book about Elizabeth finding out he's a vampyre if she's going to title the book "Mr. Darcy, Vampyre."

MindySue said...

It picks up, but it doesn't get any better.


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