Friday, September 21, 2012

Modelland -- Tyra Banks (I'm so embarrassed)

Book Summary: No one gets in without being asked. And with her untamable hair, large forehead, and gawky body, Tookie De La Crème isn’t expecting an invitation. Modelland—the exclusive, mysterious place on top of the mountain—never dares to make an appearance in her dreams.

But someone has plans for Tookie. Before she can blink her mismatched eyes, Tookie finds herself in the very place every girl in the world obsesses about. And three unlikely girls have joined her.

Only seven extraordinary young women become Intoxibellas each year. Famous. Worshipped. Magical. What happens to those who don’t make it? Well, no one really speaks of that. Some things are better left unsaid.

Thrown into a world where she doesn’t seem to belong, Tookie glimpses a future that could be hers—if she survives the beastly Catwalk Corridor and terrifying Thigh-High Boot Camp. Or could it? Dark rumors like silken threads swirl around the question of why Tookie and her new friends were selected . . . and the shadows around Modelland hide sinister secrets.

Are you ready? Modelland is waiting for you. . . . (image and summary from

My Review:  Recently, I came to the conclusion that anything can get published in this day and age.  It’s a testament to Tyra’s, um, tenacity that when I was recently asked which book I had ever read was the worst, this wasn’t the first that came to mind.  Don’t get me wrong; it’s atrocious.  But the feeling is “We embrace the atrocity of this book and revel in it!  Poke fun with us!”  With that mindset, it’s nearly bearable. 

That being said, it’s a truly atrocious chunk (569 pages!!) of paper, with words like fabulosity, thirty-nevers, and splenderous peppering the pages.  Set in the land of Metopia, a land obsessed with fashion, it’s clear that the heroine, Tookie, is a reimagination of Tyra herself, coupled with all the complexes Tyra apparently still carries.  If you’re a closet wannabe ANTM and watch the show religiously like my friend, you’ll totally get this book.  Oh!  Break out of Modelland and your face gets old, but your body stays awesome?  I saw that in the Carnival Shoot!  I mean, I heard about that shoot.  From the friend.  (Same friend, I’m pretty sure, that the Pioneer Woman is always blaming … she’s certainly got questionable taste, this mutual friend of ours.) 

Banks certainly has a vivid and overactive imagination, and many times I had to reread passages to verify that yes, indeed, the heroine just sailed out of an ear.  It’s creepy weird -- Alice in Wonderland weird, but without the literary significance, or the opium excuse. 

I was in hysterics within the first few pages, and not from the wit.  The writing was so juvenile (my husband kept incredulously questioning Harvard’s acceptance policies as I read him paragraphs), that I believe I reached for Twilight after reading it to re-up my IQ. It’s also one I’m very, very ashamed of admitting that I read!  Even worse, it was so terrible, I may have to read the second one in order to see how much worse it can get!

My rating: Half a star.
For the Sensitive Reader: Mentions of infidelity, hormones (there are a few pretty promiscuous characters, but it’s all talk), and remember that Tyra really, really likes the “B” word.

Sum it up: Perfect if you’re a closet eleven year old girl with no literary comparison, an obsession with Tyra Banks, and absolutely no moral values, or if you just really, really want to feel better about your own writing abilities.


Natalie said...

You know, I kind of want to read it now. For the same train-wreck reasons I read the last Twilight book...

LunaMoth said...

I had given up on Tyra years ago, after her halloween episode on her show where she was so disrespectful to the guests. I am not suprised her book tanked so badly, she seems stuck in her sparkly, glitter model world and dosnt think about the other lowly people outside of it.

Unknown said...

I really have to read this book. It really appealed to me.

MindySue said...

Okay, but don't say that we didn't warn you!


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